Ever hear "you should have known..." after your kid does something to hurt themself? Or "a good mom would've avoided germs better" after your child comes down with an illness? This my friends, comes from your "Perfect Mom" voice. This voice implants itself in your head somewhere around the time your firstborn implants in your uterus.
The Perfect Mom voice will drive you crazy if it can. After having spent months exhausting both yourself and your resources, you might be forced to give up breastfeeding despite your best efforts. The second that bottle goes into your baby's mouth you'll hear "you could have tried harder. A better mom would have"
When you are teaching your baby how to soothe and comfort himself/herself by letting them cry some rather than immediately rushing to their bed you might hear "for all you know your baby is hurt and crying out for you".
This wildly rampant voice has become my companion any time I begin to doubt my instincts at all. Even when I know I'm doing whats best for my child, this judgemental female voice begins picking away at my confidence. I believe that for me, this voice is a product of Satan. Something to steal away my peace and rob my happiness. This is, after all, Satan's mission in our lives. To steal and destroy. So my battle becomes one of wrestling down the false noise in my head. Remembering that Christ came to relieve us of these burdens and set us free to enjoy our lives with Him.
So if anyone out there is battling a voice, whether it be "Perfect Student", "Perfect Christian", or any assortment of voices, I invite you to fight back with me and remember that God didn't mean for us to live a life of bondage!
Friday, February 5, 2010
Friday, December 18, 2009
Breastfeeding: The Early Days
Recently I've had some pretty severe complications with breastfeeding and its prompted me to do extensive research into the subject. Doing that has made me recall the first few weeks home from the hospital and how amazing and awful it was!
The first few days: Breastfeeding, although supposedly natural, did not come that easy to me. As I put it to a friend, we didn't have breastfeeding complications right away and yet it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Our latch was correct, my positioning was correct, the baby was getting milk, my milk came in just fine, and I avoided engorgement. Any lactation expert will tell you that all of that adds up to a successful breastfeeding start. However, the nursing sessions were fraught with tension. In the hospital it was simply inexperience. I constantly felt like I might be doing something wrong. Plus, the baby kept going to sleep so it was a constant fight to keep him eating.
Jackson was very colicky at night the first six weeks and that included when he was eating. I remember sitting on the couch, literally pulling on my hair (and screaming a little) while James gently bounced the baby to get him to calm down again. Every feeding we would go through an intricate dance of Jackson eating for five minutes (whining under his breathe all the while), then breaking off and going into an all out screaming session. James would take him, calm him down and then give him back. We would go back and forth three or four times before I felt like he had gotten enough milk.
The whole 6 weeks of colic I felt like it had to be my milk. Little did I know that this is extremely common for breastfeeding mothers. They blame it on something they ate, something they did to sour the milk (such as exercise), or an inadequate supply. Since then I have read that when a mother of a formula fed infant has a colicky baby, she tends to blame it on other things such as a draft or that the baby is overly hot. This put things in perspective for me and helped me shed the guilt. Still, it was a huge relief for him to grow out of the colicky stage and have him be happy for feedings.
In the end, I thank God that I was able to get through it. I think our success has plenty to do with my wonderful supportive husband who patiently took the baby when I got too overwhelmed to keep coaxing him to eat. Although we have had plenty more roadblocks to continuing breastfeeding, its nice to look back at such a difficult time and know that we persevered!
The first few days: Breastfeeding, although supposedly natural, did not come that easy to me. As I put it to a friend, we didn't have breastfeeding complications right away and yet it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Our latch was correct, my positioning was correct, the baby was getting milk, my milk came in just fine, and I avoided engorgement. Any lactation expert will tell you that all of that adds up to a successful breastfeeding start. However, the nursing sessions were fraught with tension. In the hospital it was simply inexperience. I constantly felt like I might be doing something wrong. Plus, the baby kept going to sleep so it was a constant fight to keep him eating.
Jackson was very colicky at night the first six weeks and that included when he was eating. I remember sitting on the couch, literally pulling on my hair (and screaming a little) while James gently bounced the baby to get him to calm down again. Every feeding we would go through an intricate dance of Jackson eating for five minutes (whining under his breathe all the while), then breaking off and going into an all out screaming session. James would take him, calm him down and then give him back. We would go back and forth three or four times before I felt like he had gotten enough milk.
The whole 6 weeks of colic I felt like it had to be my milk. Little did I know that this is extremely common for breastfeeding mothers. They blame it on something they ate, something they did to sour the milk (such as exercise), or an inadequate supply. Since then I have read that when a mother of a formula fed infant has a colicky baby, she tends to blame it on other things such as a draft or that the baby is overly hot. This put things in perspective for me and helped me shed the guilt. Still, it was a huge relief for him to grow out of the colicky stage and have him be happy for feedings.
In the end, I thank God that I was able to get through it. I think our success has plenty to do with my wonderful supportive husband who patiently took the baby when I got too overwhelmed to keep coaxing him to eat. Although we have had plenty more roadblocks to continuing breastfeeding, its nice to look back at such a difficult time and know that we persevered!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The Give-Up Gremlin Is On My Tail
I finally have a solution to my nursing woes. Its a sweet, innocent looking pill that is normally used to lower blood pressure. I see it as a miracle worker, an end to the pain. As usual, things are not what they seem.
There is this nasty side effect that only one mother in the study (study done by Dr. Hale on the use of this medication by mothers with the same condition I have) had. Headaches. Explosive, seeing stars kind of headaches. The other pain is gone only to be replaced with this pain. Supposedly the medication works in most women with only a two week span of taking pills. So I can tough it out for two weeks, I can stop and try some homeopathic remedies (all of which require lots of time), or I can stop nursing. Can you see the Give-Up Gremlin? There he is, right next to me.
I know that can't be the answer and that surely this too shall pass. But the Give-Up Gremlin sure does look friendly right now.
There is this nasty side effect that only one mother in the study (study done by Dr. Hale on the use of this medication by mothers with the same condition I have) had. Headaches. Explosive, seeing stars kind of headaches. The other pain is gone only to be replaced with this pain. Supposedly the medication works in most women with only a two week span of taking pills. So I can tough it out for two weeks, I can stop and try some homeopathic remedies (all of which require lots of time), or I can stop nursing. Can you see the Give-Up Gremlin? There he is, right next to me.
I know that can't be the answer and that surely this too shall pass. But the Give-Up Gremlin sure does look friendly right now.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Rant Against Misinformation
several pieces of misinformation have recently cost us a lot of money lately. first i was diagnosed over the phone with thrush (an infection you can get while nursing). i've been treated 3 times with oral stuff and spent tons of money on preventative measures, i mean HUNDREDS so i wouldn't have to give up nursing Jackson. i read online that the baby didn't have to have it for the mom to get it. this was the basis for my continuing to think that was it.
then i found out today that it was proven last year that the baby DOES have to have it. it turns out i have something completely unrelated to infection and i've been doing all of these stressful preventative measures. soooo frustrating. nursing moms, if you are struggling with a "thrush" infection, message me or email and i will further explain my experience and tell you how to tell the difference.
the second thing was that my baby's pediatrician told me Jackson needed vitamin D supplements because he is exclusively nursing. we were told to give him this liquid vitamin stuff.
so we dutifully went and bought the vitamins and gave them to the baby. who promptly and violently threw them up. so i look up whether it was really necessary and it turns out my dr is only following the recommendation for babies. really the only ones who need vitamin D are those in cold climates without adequate sun exposure. la leche league says it isn't necessary as long as the mother has it in her diet each day. so blah. now we have a whole bottle of $10 liquid vitamins that our baby doesn't need.
anyone want some vitamins?
then i found out today that it was proven last year that the baby DOES have to have it. it turns out i have something completely unrelated to infection and i've been doing all of these stressful preventative measures. soooo frustrating. nursing moms, if you are struggling with a "thrush" infection, message me or email and i will further explain my experience and tell you how to tell the difference.
the second thing was that my baby's pediatrician told me Jackson needed vitamin D supplements because he is exclusively nursing. we were told to give him this liquid vitamin stuff.
so we dutifully went and bought the vitamins and gave them to the baby. who promptly and violently threw them up. so i look up whether it was really necessary and it turns out my dr is only following the recommendation for babies. really the only ones who need vitamin D are those in cold climates without adequate sun exposure. la leche league says it isn't necessary as long as the mother has it in her diet each day. so blah. now we have a whole bottle of $10 liquid vitamins that our baby doesn't need.
anyone want some vitamins?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
nursing issues...again
I've come down with my THIRD infection (the 2nd was a relapse from the first) associated with nursing! Sometimes it feels like nature is conspiring against me to get me to give up nursing the little one. Well its not going to happen; each time I start to feel like throwing in the towel, my iron will (inherited from my mom) snaps to attention. It goes something like this:
Iron Will "TEN HUT! I don't THINK so Garrett (Baker), you will NOT give up when you've come so far!"
Me: "buuuuuut it huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurts!!!
Iron Will "so did LABOR"
Me: "this is true. but this is the third time this has happened, why meeeeee?"
Iron Will: "stop your whining, at least you are ABLE to nurse!"
Me: "shutting up now...."
As you can see, there is no use thinking about giving up. Any advice on curing blocked ducts is appreciated!
Iron Will "TEN HUT! I don't THINK so Garrett (Baker), you will NOT give up when you've come so far!"
Me: "buuuuuut it huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurts!!!
Iron Will "so did LABOR"
Me: "this is true. but this is the third time this has happened, why meeeeee?"
Iron Will: "stop your whining, at least you are ABLE to nurse!"
Me: "shutting up now...."
As you can see, there is no use thinking about giving up. Any advice on curing blocked ducts is appreciated!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Chocolate Epiphanies
I had a realization this morning, with my hands buried in dry ingredients for homemade chocolate cake. its not about me. my life is now 5% Amanda and 95% kiddos. and yet I don't mind because my view of motherhood has changed. I used to think that motherhood was about "balancing" your priorities equally. motherhood is really about doing the best you can with what you have been given.
not all mothers are able to breastfeed but I can, its a resource I was given. in turn, I have friends who were blessed financially and for them buying formula isn't a burden. both of us are doing our best to feed our babies with what we have been given.
most new mothers don't have to parent teenagers along with their first infant or work 24 hours a day. I do, but the flip side is that I also have my husband along side me 24 hours a day. most women don't get to work with their husbands.
as I make a "welcome" cake for our new boys arrival, I'm preparing my heart as well and hoping that his future here is bright.
not all mothers are able to breastfeed but I can, its a resource I was given. in turn, I have friends who were blessed financially and for them buying formula isn't a burden. both of us are doing our best to feed our babies with what we have been given.
most new mothers don't have to parent teenagers along with their first infant or work 24 hours a day. I do, but the flip side is that I also have my husband along side me 24 hours a day. most women don't get to work with their husbands.
as I make a "welcome" cake for our new boys arrival, I'm preparing my heart as well and hoping that his future here is bright.
thnx for prayers
Thank you to all who prayed for us during this difficult parenting time (see last entry). I have really felt your prayers and things are getting better. Jackson has had three straight days of going 4 hours or more between feedings (he sleeps like a hybernating bear during that time) and this morning he went 3 hours before being hungry! I'm so relieved! I figure he will continue to stretch them out slowly. He has grown in length again so I think that was the culprit.
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